Liar liar, Pants on fire!

     Did I really waste my time in an argument with someone about this?! Yes I did. I'm horrible for getting "hooked".  I couldn't resist.  I knew it was coming, so I grabbed my chance to really be truthful. So, I've put on my little truth fairy glam swag and of course I got sparkly stilettos and a wand to match to share my big debut as a flaming, ultra liar!

    Lets be real people!!! Everyone is a liar!! I saw this movie once and it was about a world where you couldn't lie. It was really funny. If everyone walked around saying what was really on their mind all the time it would be awful, and slightly entertaining. For instance, when I go to work and someone asks me how I am, I'm going to say fine. I'm not going to bear my soul and say horrible, I have the runs this morning and my kid just took a big fit on the way to daycare and I lost it so I feel like the worst mother in the world and I really don't want to talk to you because I need to put my stuff away so I can run to the can and cry and shit my brains out. Really people, is telling the truth all the time necessary and realistic?  From children lying about their chores, to people lying to get the advantage on others, to cheating spouses. Where do we draw the line and is lying right or wrong?

The dictionary defines a liar as someone who tells lies. Some examples are:

~~The liar will have you thinking that maybe the dog did eat the homework.

~~Brando was not the first person to note that the line between an artist and a liar is a fine one.

   When your children or anyone else is lying and it becomes an unhealthy pattern, there's usually a reason.   Fear is usually the biggie. Fear of feeling shame for a mistake, fear of being abused verbally or emotionally by your spouse if it's an abusive relationship, fear of disappointing someone, or fear of getting caught doing something that's not quite on the up and up, fear that the person you just picked up at the local bar won't go home with you if they know your unemployed, a junkie, or has commitment issues, fear of rejection, sociopathic, narcissistic, and psychotic mental disorders and the list goes on.

       Most people are unaware of how much they really do lie.  I find that the more judgemental people are of themselves and others, the more they have to hide and lie about.  People lie to themselves to hold their life together so they don't have to change.  Denile is a fantastic and wonderful survival method our mind uses to help us survive traumatic events so we don't self destruct.  We lie to gain approval from others, join social groups, get jobs, and avoid conflict.  We lie to inflate our ego and and get others to think we're better than we are.  We lie to our children about Santa, the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, what we were really doing out last night, and mums the word on the groud up veggies we snuck in the sauce.  Children arn't stupid.  Their home is their blueprint for survival.  They learn what they see.  They copy the example they are shown.  If we are fighting all the time, or put on a front in our relationship, then tell them "things are fine", it creates an inner conflict within the child.  They know its not ok, they see it's obviously not, but having no choice they become conditioned and this is their normal.  They then grow up and repeat what they have learned.  Lying is part of our culture.  The better the front, the bigger the prize.  Credit card companies thrive on this.

     One of my favourite sayings is "fake it till ya make it".  This comes from me doing cognative restructuring work.  When we are trying to make a personal change in our life, you not only have to change your perspective on your issue, but also take action.  Change is uncomfortable so that's where the fake it comes in.  One day you'll wake up and your new way will be your new pattern.   We really hate it, and it's uncomfortable to go out of our comfort zone but we do it anyway and reaffirm to ourself we're ok. Technically this is lying. When we're reaffirming ourself  "it's ok, you're fabulous!" as we're nervous as heck, sweaty, with a pasted on smile because we entered a fashion show and working the runway, we're lying to ourself and others to make it through because what we really want to do is run off and throw up.  Is that wrong?  Isn't the fake front to success in personal growth a liers playground. Definately....but it works.

       Relationships are full of lies.  We say we have a headache to avoid sex.  We hide all our flaws when we first start dating because we want to be accepted, we buy things and don't tell our spouce, we tell them they are the best in bed and perform like hookers to keep our partner from straying even though we don't want to be a sex puppet.   Every relationship is different and there are different rules to each one.  It's up to us to pick what are tolerance levels are when it comes to who we want in our life and what our personal boundaries are.  Some relationships are ruled by deciet, disfunctional ones are woven together by secrets of substance, sexual, or emotional abuse. Everyone holds the peices together so the family doesn't get blown apart or everyone finds out about their horrible secret.  People arn't happy so they cheat on their spouce. They don't want to lose their cosy lifestyle so they eat their cake and other people's cake too. Some people have agreements that anything goes and they don't want to know what their partner does in their spare time. There are as many rules as their are personalities, everyone's dynamic is different. 

     When relationships develope an emotional connection, they tend to trigger all our trust issues and many more. Love makes us feel vulnerable and betrayal is the worst feeling of them all. We've all been there. On the betrayed side and the one who did the betraying. We are all human. We all make mistakes, people hurt us, we learn and grow and vice versa. It's part of this life we chose here on this planet. I think trust is a biggie in a relationship, and lying is a biggie also. But to what extent? My special man half doesn't tell me everything and I don't want to know. How boring. If he has a problem I don't need to know who he consults with all the time. I have faith that he's smart enough to go to the right source to find the solution to his dilemma.  Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's not.  Sometimes he even talks to my girlfriends about stuff, sometimes I talk to his friends. I like that because it gives a different perspective on things and the opposite sex always sees things differently, so it broadens my knowlege base.  I'm a woman, and a Libra at that. We love to talk, gossip, debate, and hash out our stuff with our besties. Does my partner care? Not really. I have good sounding boards in my life. Plus it would drive him nuts if I told him every person I talked to every day and about what. Very unnecessary. 

     So back to my debut as a flaming liar.  I kept a confidence.  Someone asked me if I was talking to this person.  I said no. It's none of anyone's business, and they told me not to tell this person in fear of emotional and physical abuse.  I offered my advice and support.  I gave them good advice. I didn't feel like being responsible for a domestic call.  Am I bad?  Am I a liar, or a good confidant?  I'm confused!!

         So to wrap it all up, I'm a fat liar, my friends are liars, my children, and the rest of my neighbourhood, and aquaintances, but to what extent, and do we have the right to be pointing fingers in judgement? 

     Truth is we all get back what we put out.  When we point fingers, we have fingers pointing back, when we wish bad on others, we get some bad luck in return.  Let's be realistic and empathetic with others.  No one is perfect and we all make mistakes.  This teaches us about life, ourself, and the others we share our life with. In every situation, good or bad, we always need to refrain from blame and look at how we can use this to better our life, expand our knowlege, and be a positive example to others. 

    

  

Who Am I?...Rediscovering Yourself after Motherhood and Childhood Trauma

     I had the most insightful conversation with a close friend of mine the other week.  I love her so much. We share common struggles along with some tough mother and relationship issues.  How do you find yourself after losing yourself in motherhood for so long? How do you even begin to figure that out, especially if you were missing part of yourself to begin with due to your less than perfect childhood?

     Many woman wake up one day and say "Who am I? Do I want to be here? Is THIS all there is?"  For me I had this crisis when I was newly separated, but started about two years before I really made the commitment to change.  It's easy to get lost in your family and children. You have so many distractions. A new baby is a happy time but oh so much work.  You're running around being a mom, a wife, juggling whatever career we have. We love it since care taking is our forte, but then what about us?  Is this it?? This vortex that revolves around caring for others?  Where did that fun sexy woman go...if there ever was one??

     I was always lost. Just being real. I grew up in a backwards religious, closet alcoholic mother, controlling abusive environment.  Whew!! I had to learn to enable to escape disapproval.  As I grew up I did everything that my mother wanted.  Mind you it wasn't horrifically bad. The big thing was that I never got to chose what I wanted to do. I never got to learn what I was all about. So when I got older I tryed on different hats so to speak.  Different styles of dress, different friends, different sports, etc... I carried around a lot of anger and resentment.  It followed me everywhere.  It affected everything in my life.  Then when I got married and had children I thought that finally I would be happy. Guess what...I really wasn't. How could I truly be happy when I really didn't know myself?

     So here I was.  Newly separated.  No supportive ex to take the kids.  Alone with two children and way too much on my plate. I finally broke down to my beloved Reiki healer I saw every other week.  I hate it...I finally fessed up.  I don't like being a mother. I want to do it over again.  I should have spent more time with myself before I got married.  I wish I never got married.  I made so many bad choices but didn't realise it until now.  I was burnt out, angry, depressed, and very lost.  What do I do?

     The first thing she told me was....You're normal.  WHAT? I felt horrible. I surly just won the award for most selfish messed up mom ever. When I blurted it out in tears I was waiting to burst into flames or be stoned to death with all the crystals in the room.  I was a failure...a bad mother.  A horrible person.  Wrong. She told me to just be.  Feelings are just that...feelings.  Feel it, get it out.  She told me many women feel like that they just don't talk about it.  I'm OK, I'm normal, I'm a good person.  No stoning or lake of fire.  Whew!  Just an embarrassing whack of tears.  Next I have two contracts I signed with these two little people, so like it or not, I'm stuck.  She told me to take time to myself.  Use my support system.  When I give myself permission to feel what I do without judging myself,  the truth will show it's face.

    I did just that.  My father took my children to his farm for a few weeks.  As I let myself BE who I was at that time, I began to sort things out.  What happened was a very painful flood of memories from my childhood.  They all had to do with my lack of parenting.  Lack issues cause empty holes in our inner being.  As adults we swim around trying to fill these up with external material things, often subconsciously.  Things like sex, alcohol, drugs, friends, partying, marriage, children, religion, and life. Anything that will make us supposedly feel full and fulfilled, or to block out the void and pain we are left with.

     I have always been bent on not repeating the pattern of abuse with my children.  I did everything my parents didn't.  I loved my kids. We hugged and kissed and it was OK to be who you are.  We went to play groups, parenting groups, and followed positive parenting techniques.  I loved it, but it was all an act.  I didn't feel connected to my kids or myself as much as I thought I should. I always knew I was doing my best but was frustrated because I just wasn't fully "in it".

    During my few weeks of painful unveiling, I learned that I haven't grieved my lack of love as a child.  So I grieved it. I cried, and cried.  I wrote letters to my parents, and one to my inner child.  I forgave my mom, and became my own mom and source of strength.  I realised that I had some attachment disorder which keeps me from fully connecting with those close to me.  I dug up a lot of fear. I talked to my dad and to my surprise he shared with me his struggle with parenting and attachment because of his horrible upbringing. The more I gave myself permission to accept reality, the more I forgave my family and forgave myself.  I learned my families past, the patterns.  I understood. And it was OK. I was OK. And if I wasn't at any moment, I knew I would be. And most of all I still wanted my children. I finally had something to grow from, to build on.

     Not judging yourself is very difficult for most people.  I'm very hard on myself.  It's getting better with time. As women we judge each other the worst.  It's like a fierce competition for being the best mom, wife, sex goddess and career fiend all in one.  Mothers are the worst.  From potty training to walking to reading.  We measure our worth by our kids.  So why we are so wrapped up in the competition, we lose site of what really matters. 

     What really matters is us.  Our children watch, listen, and copy.  Children are a product of their environment.  When we neglect ourself, we teach our children that others are more important. We teach them that being a pleaser is acceptable. What others think of us is more important than just being yourself. 

     Give yourself permission to let go of all judgement.  We come into the world with judgement. Religion says we're sinners and bad from day one.  Grown ups want children to just be quiet and do as they are told.  As adults we turn into sluts, big mouths, douche bags, and weirdo's.  Strip away the labels. You are who you are for a reason and it's not bad or good.  It's just how it is. Take some inventory.  What do we enjoy? If there were no rules what would you love to do or be?  Just you, that's all we're thinking about.  Did you miss out on some things in life and have regrets?  Write them down. Just go nuts.....no rules, free will.  I missed out on a lot so I had a pretty big list. 

     Now within reason because we do have to remember our age and responsibility, can we do the things on our list?  If so, start living your life. Start to experiment with your life.  Experience it. As time goes by you will begin to feel more fulfilled and really get to know yourself better.  You will accept yourself...the whole package, and you will be the same with others.  Remember to always be conscious of others in your life.  If you are married, you don't want to just bust out on the single scene to explore your starved sexual self.  Honesty is always the policy.  If you can have the support of your partner it makes things easier.  Change makes people scared. People get comfortable and fear we will stray or they won't know us anymore.  Everyones journey is unique and it's about you.  If you honestly come to the conclusion that who you are with isn't working anymore, it's time to explore a relationship change.  Sometimes self exploration and growth brings about drastic change, so be prepared to follow through.  Good positive support with those who have your best interest in mind is very important.  Sugar coating fun easy way out friends are detrimental to our greater good.

    As soon as I made a commitment to myself a lot had to go.  My life is very different than it was four years ago.  I did the accelerated change which I don't recommend.  I have 20 years of recovery work under my belt so I already healed a lot, and I was used to dealing with personal change.  It takes practise and I still had further to go. Everything went. My husband, my house, my car, my lifestyle, my bank account and friends.  There was a lot wrong with my life.  I didn't see it, but I had faith and just went with it. I was mad, depressed, stressed, hated my new house, and didn't like the uncomfortable hopelessness I felt as I let go, adjusted, and changed, just to keep doing it over and over again. Bad dating experiences, some good ones....mostly depressing. what did I do?!  Being in an empty bad marriage was so much easier!!! 

   I stuck it out.  I went to work, I got new friends, I took my kids to counselling, I went to healers, I went to a beloved psychic, I went to my doctor for my depression.  I barely held it together, but I did. It got better.  I adjusted, my anti depressant worked, my children transferred to a great school. I moved into a beautiful house in the forest, I got new true friends, I bought a new car...cash, I'm debt free, I dated so many losers that I really learned to be picky and am really OK by myself.  Now I have a boyfriend that loves me for who I am. Yuck and all. And he's pretty nifty too.  People love him.  He's alot like me. We really enjoy each other.  Quirks and all. My friends are like that too along with my kids. 

I love being myself and that includes glam and fun. I'm a woman and I love it. This teaches my daughter to own her sexual self. She's confident and in charge of her womanhood and we celebrate that in our home. She's also quirky and learning disabled with ADD. She is the funniest, most self motivated and business savy girl of 13 I know. I love it! My son is quirky. He makes me smile. His challenge is to be kind to himself, and he's uptight. We celebrate man things too here but I empower him to chose good friends, love himself and not be a pleaser. He's fantastic.

     Taking care of yourself is not selfish. That includes body, mind, and spirit.  When I committed to my better good and jumped in both feet it was a struggle for everyone.  In the long run I taught my kids that change is OK.  You are blessed and I did what it took to give us a better life.  An emotionally healthy positive life.  It's OK to go through bad times and be human, we love each other even when it's ugly. 

     Self acceptance is the key to success in my home.  Love and loyalty is our motto.  No one is perfect but that's OK and you're great.  When I cook healthy food for my children and teach them how to eat properly and educate them on healthy living, I'm not only taking care of them, I'm taking care of myself.  When I take time to myself to meditate, exercise, spend time with friends, or do a hobby, I'm teaching them that they are important and it's OK to spend time by yourself doing things you enjoy to recharge.


      I have many alternative beliefs.  My house is full of crystals, books on self betterment, and I do many rituals and visual alters for positive change and influence.  Most of my friends are in the healing community or practise a spiritual lifestyle.  Seeing spirits, auras, and different phenomena is normal in my family.  Yes a bit odd, but it's me and my kids are OK with that.  My son loves crystals and has used them to help him with his father issues.  My daughter right now is too cool but is a cauldron of wisdom beyond her years. 

  Discovering your true self is sometimes a rocky road, and sometimes we're already almost there.  Sometimes we are already there and we just can't see it or take it for granted.  Take the time to reflect on your life at the moment.  Focus on the good, appreciate your blessings, and make goals to change the things you can.  Be kind and realistic with yourself.  Strip off the labels and love yourself where you are at. You are unique and special and so is your life.  Choose to be true to yourself and those around you that you love.  God is always there and all you have to do is ask. Whatever you need you will never be without. 

   And remember, when you find your shoes it will be a good fit. A breath of relief and fresh air.  Life will just be good. Never perfect but that's boring.  Relationships will be happy, family will just flow and everything will fit together and you won't have to try so hard to "make it work". It just will.


THE CHANGE CYCLE

Stage 1 – Loss to Safety
In Stage 1 you admit to yourself that regardless of whether or not you perceive the change to be good or 'bad" there will be a sense of loss of what "was."

Stage 2 – Doubt to Reality
In this stage, you doubt the facts, doubt your doubts and struggle to find information about the change that you believe is valid. Resentment, skepticism and blame cloud your thinking.

Stage 3 – Discomfort to Motivation
You will recognize Stage 3 by the discomfort it brings. The change and all it means has now become clear and starts to settle in. Frustration and lethargy rule until possibility takes over.

The Danger Zone
The Danger Zone represents the pivotal place where you make the choice either to move on to Stage 4 and discover the possibilities the change has presented or to choose fear and return to Stage 1.

Stage 4 – Discovery to Perspective
Stage 4 represents the "light at the end of the tunnel." Perspective, anticipation, and a willingness to make decisions give a new sense of control and hope. You are optimistic about a good outcome because you have choices.

Stage 5 - Understanding
In Stage 5, you understand the change and are more confident, think pragmatically, and your behavior is much more productive. Good thing.

Stage 6 - Integration
By this time, you have regained your ability and willingness to be flexible. You have insight into the ramifications, consequences and rewards of the change -- past, present, and future.

Truth and Betrayal...Singles vs. Marrieds

     I had a very eventful day today.   It started out great, then moved to horrifically maddening, then the ahas just started bashing me over the head.  I say bashing because I'm stubborn, and reactive.  I also tend to give people the benefit of the doubt too much which tends to lead me into a bad situation or attract people who aren't good for me. When I finally get it, I've been betrayed or disappointed, or have made a few bad decisions along the way and need to learn some big lessons.

     So I had a great morning. That blended into a delicious Valentines lunch with my sweetheart, which turned into a swirl of betrayal and lies that was revealed to me via information highway. Not too happy and quite insulted and of course had to rant about it to my ever so wise date.

     Here's the skinny... As an intuitive person, I always get what I ask for even if it's not pleasant. I've learned to accept the guidance I'm given and have faith that there is a purpose in everything that comes my way and things always work out better and happier when the dust settles. I'm used to change, I'm used to waiting out the tornado.  I don't get as stressed or freaked out as I used to. I've learned patience and I've learned how to be an objective detached observer.  I'm a very blessed and guided woman and I've learned to just ride with it.  My downfall...I'm chicken and drag things out. I'm my worst enemy sometimes.

    Well here's the drama in a nutshell.  For a long while now I've been suspecting someone of not being honest with me.  It was obvious.  People are very predictable.  I knew, and for a long time I just blew it off. What happens? I do a full moon ceremony and asked to purge out those around me that weren't supposed to be around anymore. Only because I am too chicken to just do it myself and I need reassurance that I'm headed in the right direction. Well, yay for me, the heavens thought the same, and the change manifested itself, but a lot more messy than I expected but obviously necessary.   The situation blew up and threw truths around in people's faces that should have woken them up. I saw it, I asked for it, I saw the bigger picture. ...and observed it play out as my cauldron of universal reality brewed.  After the smoke cleared, I thanked God for showing me what I needed to see. Truth sometimes hurts but I live in reality.  It is what it is. And I'm thankful for the reality check. I'm insulted but not surprised. 

     Last week  I watched a Sex in the City episode about marrieds vs. singles that put it right out there.  I laughed all the way through. It was about how married women feel threatened by single women.  You are the enemy, the temptress to their trapped male half.  I felt like I stared in that episode.  My man half laughed also.  People are funny, insecure, possessive, jealous, and very tacky sometimes but I get it.  I'm human too. I've done it. That's why I can call it.

      Since I separated from my ex over four years ago, friend dynamics drastically changed.  You go from bestest girlfriend to enemy numero uno. Suddenly you become the potential other woman and people guard their man, even if they don't really like them, like a rare gem.  They get mean, hostel and rabid.  Honestly, I don't blame them.  But is a guy who makes you feel insecure worth it?   Men are dogs and many stray. I've had lots bark up my tree and yes, a lot of them lie about being with someone else (which isn't fair and puts you in a really bad spot). Married men are the worst and lots of them are pros at the cheating game.  I know all the lines. I'm separated, I just live in the basement. My wife is abusive, I'm going to leave soon.  I haven't had sex in so long and I'm lonely.  My wife doesn't like sex.  You're so easy to talk to, I'd really like to be just friends. The list goes on and on. The sad part is women stick by them. 

     What was so funny about that episode is that us single gals really don't want your man and if we did you wouldn't know anyway.  Married women blame us single gals for their men's straying. Sorry, but your man shouldn't be straying, or entertaining the idea to others. If a man is devious and you have any doubt in your mind that he's dishonest, he's not worth your time.  It takes two to tango, so put the blame where it belongs, in your own backyard, and if you aren't leaving him then deal with your reality, don't blame it on others.

       I really got a kick out of this Sex in the city episode.  It says it all.  We chuckle to each other, my sweetie and me when we watched it. Singles and marrieds, will they ever work it out?  I've come to the conclusion that it depends who it is.  I have several married friends.  We share private problems, we're very close, and not once do they think that I'm a threat.  They know me and know better.  That's what really hurt about this info I learned.  This person knows me better.  Also this person was being sneaky and was eavesdropping on a static connected call and heard wrong. I also knew that they were on the phone because it picked up and became static. Duh!  I'm also insulted that they wouldn't come to me to clarify what they thought they heard.  I also don't care if they heard my conversation. I don't agree with some things that both of them are doing and the way they think. I suggested professional help. Yes it works.  And yes, it's work.  No magic wand, no easy fix. They both didn't like my advice. Oh well.  

    I'm very thankful that I was with my man other half when I received my very insulting reality check.  His advice was.... You are still the same person.  No matter what anyone says or thinks about you, it doesn't change who you really are.  Don't worry, look at the source and move on.  Don't let negativity ruin your day.  It's their hard lesson not yours. And my famous...you can't control what others do, but you can control how you react to it.  Wise man.  That's why I love him so much. I'm raw.  He gets it.  We're honest even if it might hurt.  And that's why I love life. No matter what it throws you, you always have a choice on how to deal with it.  It's all about perception. When we change our point of view, a potentially tragic day turns into an opportunity for growth and acquiring wisdom.

Being Authentic - my inventory and testamony

     I always take time to do personal inventory.  I'm a big fan of manifestation and creation.It's very important to realise that our outside environment is a manifestation of our inner belief system. So I honestly look at my environment. My home, myself, kids, boyfriend, friends, work......So I start out asking myself... what goals have I reached, what ones are I in the midst of working towards, and what would I like to change right now and what can I give myself a pat on the back for.  Well in the past year or so I have had awesome inventory sessions.

      This one, I began thinking about all this talk about truth and being your authentic self and love and REALLY....what does that really mean...and how can you truly preach that?  Self love inventory quiz from "the quantum you"

     Well, what I came up with is an honest inventory of myself.  If I want to be an example of authenticity to others, am I really authentic?  Do I stand for what I preach? Can I back up what I say by concrete proof and by being a living example of what I want to stand for? What legacy do I want to leave for my children, and do I lead them by example?

     To my surprise and great delight, with much self pride I had to answer for the most part yes. For a long time I have struggled and worked on myself. I made goals since I was 20 and have worked hard for them.  These weren't material goals. These are self goals. Mental and spiritual goals. I have had to heal, strip off, re program , and force myself to do and act in ways that were so uncomfortable to acquire new patterns in thinking, to shift myself into who I am today.

     Being authentic isn't always pretty. It's not always glamorous and it's raw. It's hard to be authentic. We often think we're being authentic, but because of our subconscious coping structure and makeup, we often don't realise that we're not. Being authentic is about YOU. It's not about our partner, blaming our behavour, lifestyle or choices on others. It's all about YOU. What you are, what you stand for and the non verbal energetic message you are portraying at this moment now.

 

     So here it is...my inventory. I love my home. My environment means a lot to me so I am very proud of my home. I love my neighbourhood. I love nature and it's in the forest with lots of critters around. It reflects who I am and what I'm about. Four years ago I made a decision to leave my old life. I had to let go of the old. That was very scary and difficult. It's always hard to jump into the unknown. But I did it! And I love my new life. It's better and happier than the old one.
  
 Do I surround myself with people who love me for who I am? Do my relationships respect me as a person? My wants, needs, dreams, and goals? My answer is finally a yes. This is such a huge thing for me because I have always been in unhealthy relationships, wishing they weren't. What I have finally achieved is the outward manifestation of my inner beliefs which are happy and healthy. If you have a partner who constantly makes you unhappy, cheats on you, lies, or you want them to be someone else. You're not being authentic. You're lying to yourself and others. If you take time to heal the things and issues that prevent you from truly loving yourself, then you will start attracting people who do the same. I am very happy that my relationships reflect the way I treat myself. With love and respect, acceptance and humility, embracing both the good and bad traits that make you anindividual .

     Next, my health. Well that's a fun one!! I feel like a kid...really. But my body, that's another storey. I genetically have inherited loads of fun stuff. Depression, high blood pressure and some disorder that makes your extremities numb at random.  I'm a bucket of fun!! I'm not a denial person, I've always taken responsibility for my health in every way. When things have gone very wrong it was because I listened to others and doubted my own intuition about what I needed. Not no more! I think that God has put all the help here on earth for us to utilise. Everything in balance.  We are spiritual, physical, and mental beings. We need to care for all three of these areas in balance. When one is off, the others go out.  I take responsibility for my health.  To live my best life at the moment, I have to be on medication for my depression and blood pressure. If not it's dangerous and disfunctional.  That's reality and I'm good with it. I exercise, I meditate, I journal, I do energy work, and I make sure my meds are doing what they're supposed to.  I've had to change the way I eat, drink, think, tweak the way I deal with stress, and who I share my life with. As I change, my body is changing. I can't put chemicals in my body. They make me sick. I have to eat cleaner, limit my alcohol consumption and be conscious of my environment. It's a pain sometimes but it's all part of the path I've chosen.

      I'm very proud of myself because I'm pro-active. I teach my children that no matter what you're thrown you're ok and you can get through. My daughter has a learning disability. She's gone from defiant behavioural issue to self assured, confident leader taking regular classes. She's pro active. My son has gone from depressed self destructive bully to a polite, more outgoing happy self assured little boy. Mind you we're still growing, still changing, still overcoming obstacles that come up every day.  Life skills, positive coping, self awareness, love and acceptance is our family motto.  I get down about my health sometimes but then it gives me the opportunity to look at what I'm blessed with. It gives me the opportunity to be human and share the same support with others in the same boat. I know lots of woman who are going through health issues like mine and have been through the same changes. They give me strength, and I give them strength. I'm blessed with the ladies in my boat.

      My most beloved...my kids. As long as we learn from them, that's what counts. I really enjoy being me and share that with my children. In turn, my kids are comfortable with themselves. They both have learning issues and were abandoned by their father. I'm sure that the abandonment will always be a painful spot with them, but they have learned to overcome their depression and self doubt through the faith I have in them.  I've always been there, no matter what. I love them no matter what, and I think they are awesome no matter what.  I've taught them to love themselves no matter what and that being different is a blessing and that will make them successful.  They also know that outside help is always available and it's a source of strength. Knowledge is power. Fear and denial leads to shame. They are awesome no matter what difficulties they have and to always be proud of yourself, even though you make mistakes.  My children are flying! I'm very proud of them. They are good beautiful kids and I've done a great job as a mom!

 Children learn from example. If we are uncomfortable with our self, judge our self harshly, or immerse them in a relationship full of conflict or chemical use, they will grow up to mirroring what they learned. So when you find your children lying, acting out, or angry all the time, or not wanting to be at home, it's usually a by-product of their environment.  We need to take their behaviour as a message that we need to change our self or the message we are communicating in our environment or behaviour.

     Being authentic is exactly just that. Being honest. Are you a drinker and smoker preaching healthy living? Are you in a turbulent relationship and not happy but saying you are with your soul mate? Are you preaching one thing but judging others and being abusive or controlling behind closed doors? Are you busy either in denial or covering up our yuck that you don't realise your real impact on others?  We all have been in that place. Change is uncomfortable, it's hard, it takes effort and often times we need to lose a lot before we get where we need to be. I did it. I'm still doing it. I evolve every day. I learn every day. I lose and gain every day. I love it!

     Self love involves so much. It means being ok with who you truly are. We are all a ball of negative and positive wrapped in one.  I'm truly ok with the mistakes I've made in life. They're mine and I own them. I am definitely not perfect and I'm really good with that. I have a lot of good qualities also and I'm good with that too. I have no problem being my authentic self. If others don't like it...oh well!!  I am human and really enjoying it...most of the time. I'm not afraid to share my mistakes, my low points in life and bad decisions I've made. Through them I am who I am today. When I pretend to be someone who I'm not, it gives off a conflicting energy to others, it tells me that I'm not being authentic.   Being ok with myself helps others be ok with there own human selves and lets them know that they are ok. I love my life and those in it. I have abundance in every way. I turn my deficits into opportunities for growth and to help others coping with the same issues. My children are fabulous and teach me how to be the best person I can be. Always be a witness of truth. That's when you truly touch others is when you are being authentic.

  

If People Knew You

If People Knew You
People don't really know you.
If they knew you
they'd understand you,
they wouldn't judge you
they wouldn't turn their backs
and walk away;
they'd stop saying those words,
those harsh
and hurtful words
because they'd know the pain it would cost you,
they'd know how long and hard
your healing would be,
and how long you'd close your heart
for fear of letting in the people you can no longer trust.
If people knew you,
if they really knew you,
they'd love you,
they'd find a way
to know
how to really really love.

I TAKE OFF THE MASK, San Diego, Caloocan, Metro Manila 1400, <>I recieved this poem from one of my newsletters I get. I really enjoyed it and decided to share it!
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From Sausage to Sexy...

     Ok, so I've made a super commitment to myself to do more clean eating and work out at least 3 times a week.  It seems that I've been a bit commitment phobic with this. BUT...I'm on my way! I 've gone to the gym twice this week and feel fantastic, and I've acquired an eating clean magazine and have made 2 of the recipes in it and we all like it.  I do love eating healthy. I've never eaten bad but I just like food too much. lol! So switching up some of the ingredients to make healthy veg dishes is no big deal at my house, it's just getting back into good habits.

      So here's me at the gym. You have to understand that the reason why I've gained almost 17 pounds over the past year and a half is because I have acquired high blood pressure that shoots up to the stars at random. Thanks mom!! lol! So I haven't been able to exercise and the medication I'm on makes me feel yucky sometimes, so I just don't want to work out. So, even though I'm very comfortable with myself and really like my new found huge boobs, I felt better when I was thinner and had more energy. So I've set out to find my old body and fit into my old hot clothes.

     Well, I get to the gym and start out on the treadmill. I always love being in motion. I manifest and balance my energy on the treadmill. I love it! After about 10 min I'm just flying. But of course this time I decided to check the heart monitor which I never do because I just don't want to know. It was past the fat burner, past the cardio, up so high I was hoping it meant I was at the super fat fry mode. I think it was the "do you have your defib near by" mode so I slowed down and decided to do the weights. I love strength training.  I used to be in super six pack shape before my blood pressure fiasco. My workout was a huge success and I left the gym feeling like I conquered the world. Yay!

The Slut Walk Protest

    Last Saturday, I took my daughter on the Slut Walk.  The SlutWalk protest marches began on April 3, 2011,^[1] in Toronto, Canada, and became a movement of rallies across the world.^[2] Participants protest against explaining or excusing rape by referring to any aspect of a woman's appearance.^[3] The rallies began when Constable Michael Sanguinetti, a Toronto Police officer, suggested that to remain safe, "women should avoid dressing like sluts."^[4][5] The protest takes the form of a march, mainly by young women, where some dress in ordinary clothing and others dress provocatively, like "sluts." There are also speaker meetings and workshops.^[6]

    Now, I have to say that I understand the purpose of this rally but I don't totally agree with the way these women are going about it.  I believe that anyone has the freedom and right to express themselves and their sexuality any way they want. I also believe that women should celebrate and enjoy their femininity and express it in their outer appearance when appropriate and safe.  I also strongly believe that how you dress is not linked in any way to most sexual abuse and being a victim of rape or any other form of harassment and violence.  Most victims are children and people who aren't dressed provocatively at all and are in situations that are beyond their control. There are a large number of male victims who of course arn't dressed like "sluts" and aren't refered to as such. I absolutely hate the word slut and if it wasn't because of the underlying message of the rally, I wouldn't have walked it just because of the negative name.

     In my family, sexual abuse runs back several generations, along with physical and substance abuse. Growing up in my family was not always fun. Both my parents were not sexually abusive, but were both victims who projected their shame on both me and my younger brother. With the abusive and oppressive environment of shame based parents, along with an alcoholic mother and rediculous religious rules, I have been a victim from day one.  As children we are forced to live in these environments. We can't use our voice to protest, or leave if we want, we adapt to survive.  These survival techniques work growing up, but as adults we become adult children of alcoholics, or sexual, physical and emotional abuse survivours, and tend to repeat patterns of abuse, co-dependency, and other shame based behaviours.  We subconsciously put ourselves in victim situations such as abusive relationships, bad situations, or let others use us.  Or we develop substance abuse problems to block out pain, or live a sexually self-exploiting lifestyle or career.  Many repeat the pattern they learned and become abusers themselves, or marry partners that abuse them and their children.

     As an adult child survivor of many things, I have made many mistakes in my lifetime, but I have also been pro-active with my healing process.  Since my early 20's I have been involved in extensive  inner child work and cognitive restructuring to change negative thinking and patterns that were the result of my abusive childhood environment. In my 30's I have integrated spiritual and holistic healing in my process that has helped me to reach a full balance in my recovery.  I have always worked hard and have been dedicated to personal growth.  It has been a long and sometimes difficult and painful path. I have not always made the best choices and I have made many mistakes. But through all the ups and downs, I have aquired a lot of wisdom and strength, and I have had the privilege to help and inspire people along the way. I have also broke the pattern of abuse in my family and I'm very proud to raise my children in an abuse free home environment.

     Now back to the Slut Walk.  I love wearing glam-sexy clothing.  I just love fashion and it shows with my huge 12ft closet and large array of shoes.  I love to dress sexy and wear sexy shoes in my spare time.  I don't care what people think, and I really enjoy looking nice and feeling good about myself and my appearance.  Here's the thing...there is a time and place for everything, and there is a level of self respect that goes along with being a woman of power.

    As a powerful and sexy woman, I believe in respect and responsibility.  In our male chauvinistic, and sexually charged society that views women as sex objects I believe that our idea of sexy comes from men, and the reason we dress sexy is mostly to get the attention of men, and turn them on sexually. If we intentionally dress in a provocative and skimpy way and our intent is to grab the attention of men and tease them visually, there is nothing wrong with that, but with all the choices we make in life, there are consequences.  When we dress sexual, and act sexual, then complain that we are getting sexually explicit comments or attention, we are giving away mixed messages.  Real power starts with ourselves and being responsible for our behaviour, and the environment we find ourselves in. If we want sexual attention, then great! You got it and enjoy it! But if we don't, then we should re-evaluate the message we are giving others.   If we over indulge in alcohol or drugs and then loose control of yourself and our safety, and have not set up safety nets like good friends or a ride to pick us up or take us home safely, then of course you could find yourself in a vulnerable situation where we are vicimized.  This does not give anyone the right to abuse or violate anyone, but given the state of the world and people's values today, we have to be careful and aware of our choices, and environment.

     As a mother, I teach my daughter to love herself and be comfortable with her feminine self.  We talk openly in our house about everything, and I try not to attach shame to any personal issue when it comes to anything in life.  I have also taught my daughter that your outer appearance is an extension of your inner self.  You should always have pride in your appearance, as with your self.  The way you present yourself tells others a storey about you.  It tells them your boundaries, your level of confidence and self worth, and how personable you are.  You do not wear dirty or smelly clothes or pyjamas in public. You have self respect and pride and dress the part.  Dressing appropriate is important. Just like you wouldn't wear a bathing suit to a business meeting, you don't wear skimpy sexy clothes to school.  Letting others view your "goods" just because is demeaning and too easy. I teach my daughter that she's worth more than that.

     The same goes with myself. I always dress nice and often with a sexy flair, but never out of line with what I'm doing at the time.   I love to wear sexy clothes, lingerie, and big stilettos. I'm very outgoing and friendly, open minded, and men love me and my good sense of humour. I'm definately not a slut.  I never get myself in a dangerous situation.  Men love the way I look and the way I'm flirty but they never get the message that I'm easily available or even that I'm available at all.  I'm very picky with the type of men I like and for the most part I think most of them are not to bright or attractive. Sorry. I'm also very cautious because of the large amount of sexually transmitted diseases out there and people tend to be dishonest with a multitude of things that takes time to get to know about someone.

      The point is that just because you might "hope" or want to be with someone doesn't give anyone the right to force their will upon you.  Everyone has the right to change their mind and refuse sex no matter what the situation.  Everyone has the right to make a mistake or a bad choice. What we as women need to do is not be afraid to do that in any situation.  If we find ourself being a victim, we need to speak out. We need to get help and report the crime that has been done to us.  Silence is not an option. 

     So that is why I brought my daughter on this walk. It's about awareness and taking away the stigma and shame that society and religion has put on women and sex.  It's about me being proud of my inner strength and courage overcoming the obsacles I had to hurtle to make my life a happy and healthy one. When we heal ourselves, we help heal others. When we embrace our inner strength, we encourage others to do the same. When we ruffle feathers and speak out, that's when things start to change.  Silence is detremantal to our evolution as people and as a society.

Below is the link to the wikipedia page on the Slut Walk.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SlutWalk